Won Buddhism of Manhattan

When I was asked to write something for the newsletter, I wasn't quite sure what to say at first. I thought about why I decided to start coming here to the temple. I thought about the path that brought me here, the path that I am still on. The path that I am on in my life, it is something I have been trying to figure out and understand for some time.

Where is my life going, where is it leading me, am I guiding myself in the right direction? I have always been told that I'm "only" 23 years old so I shouldn't be expected to know yet the path my life could take what I might want to do with it. Yet, I have never been one to be satisfied with just letting things happen as they will or accepting that I do not know everything that will happen at this moment in my life. This is a theme that has followed me in my life for a few years now.

I think I began on this path that has helped lead me here started when I was about 15 years old. It is that prime age for questioning your life and who you are what your identity is. I was dissatisfied with how my life was progressing even at that young an age and desperately wanted to find and understand who I was. I began by starting to read every book on meditation, eastern philosophy, Buddhism, Taoism, and Hinduism that I could get my hands on. My practice over the next few years consisted of reading these books and attempting solitary meditative practice. While the books I read broadened my knowledge, I felt my practice was missing something. I had no consistency, no guidance, no structure, and no one to help push me forward. I knew I wanted to continue learning about Buddhism and meditative practice but I didn't know what the next step was. I did not know how to go from disorganized practice I gained from books I read to something more organized that could really help me grow.

I ended up, as a result of my schedule and just life, giving up on my practice for a couple of years. I was not happy about giving up on it, I felt I had lost my way, but I did not know where to turn to next. When I was in college, I had the opportunity to take a class in meditation and religious studies. I felt like it was the perfect opportunity for me to get back into the practice I lost. I felt like it could be the next step I was looking for, to go from gaining knowledge just from reading books to meeting people engaged in various forms of meditative practices in their lives and enhancing my own practice. I began talking to the professor of this class about my practice and how I had been lost on where to turn next. I admired him and valued his advice. He had accomplished much in his life, having traveled the world and been devoted to his spiritual practices and hobbies for many years. In my conversations with him I told him how I wanted to learn how to a follow a path in life like the one he had. How could I build a life for myself like the one he built for himself, what was my next step? I told him that I felt like I had been wasting time, having given up on my practice for a few years because I did not know where to go. My professor just smiled after this and asked me how old I was. I told him I was 21. He proceeded to tell me that he could not give me a definitive answer as to what I should do next. My life was my life, I had to pave my own path I could not follow anyone else's path. He told me not to think that I had wasted my time, instead to enjoy each day for what it is and not constantly think that I need to accomplish more. I could not compare my life to his; I have not even started mine yet. He was 68 years old and had accomplished so much; I was 21 and had not given myself credit for things I had accomplished already. He informed me that all I could see was where he ended up, but I did not see where he started. He admitted he had not even started any sort of meditative practice until he was 28 years old.

I left that conversation, unfortunately, still feeling like I had no path. I was actually a little frustrated that he could not help me and give me any sort of definitive direction. I had not figured out where to go next before I talked to him, so how was I suppose to figure it out now? When I moved to NY, I knew I was starting a new journey in my life and I thought maybe it would be the perfect opportunity to begin carving that path all my own in my practice. So I ended up here, at this temple, my first step down my new path. When I look back at my conversation with my professor now I realize why he could not give me an answer. It was something I had to find on my own, I had to find what works for me and my life. I realized the path will unfold as it will, and I have to enjoy everything for what it is and not constantly worry about if I am doing enough or not. I cannot worry about what my life will be like or where I will be when I am 68 as my professor was when we spoke. I do not know what lies ahead for me but currently my practice is helping me to understand that it is ok to not know. No one knows what lies ahead for them, no matter where they are in life, things always change. Nothing really ever ends up the way you think it will, or the way you may try to guide it. So I think I am beginning to learn that it is ok not to know what lies ahead whether you are "only" 23 or 83.

October, 2008