Won Buddhism of Manhattan

My interest in meditation was one of my reasons to first visit the temple. I had read something about meditation, about the health benefits and other positive effects it can have on your life. I was convinced, and absolutely motivated to learn it. I figured it would take me a couple weeks - a month at most - to “get it”. After all, I had also learned French and Arabic and I was pretty good at solving non-linear equations. How difficult could it be?

The first few sessions I tried my best imitating the posture of other meditators and trying to focus on this elusive thing called the Danjeon (which I imagined as a sort of dungeon at the bottom  my intestines). I tried to keep quiet and not shift around too much so as not to disturb others. But it wasn’t easy as my back ached and my legs went to sleep all the time. Sometimes it seemed to take forever until the sound of the gong finally indicated the end of my suffering. The only thing that brought relief and that made time pass faster were the thousands of thoughts that went through my mind. It was as if they had all waited for this moment to surface.

Although the meditation session became a quite pleasant time to sit down and think about all those things that I didn’t have time to process during the day (in fact, I got some of my best ideas this way), I realized that this was not meditation.

I figured that I was doing something wrong. But I was lost: although people were telling me what to do - how to sit, how to breath and to focus -  no one would really describe to me what I was supposed to achieve, what exactly the goal was that we were trying to reach. This type of “walking without knowing your destination” was a new and rather unsettling experience for me.

I asked Rev. Lee and other temple members: “What am I supposed to feel? How do I know whether I am doing it right?” They would just smile and say “Don't worry. Simply by trying, you are doing it right...”.

Unsatisfied, I bought some books on various forms of meditation and read them all. But they did not provide an answer either. All my mathematics books had exercises throughout the book and would invariably have a page at the end of the book with the answers. None of my meditation books had such a page.

Over time, things became a little bit easier – I discovered that by doing yoga exercises before the meditation, my back and legs troubled me less and therefore also caused less distraction.  A small breakthrough came at the moment when I reached the stage where it became actually pleasant to sit down like this, and the sitting - together with the serene atmosphere of the temple - made me feel very calm. Not calm like you feel when you sit down with a cappuccino between two business meetings – a much more profound calmness. Initially it usually came towards the end of the session, so I could not enjoy it very much (although the effect lasted for some time, even while walking back home). But gradually the calmness became more frequent and I was able to enjoy it more.

Many months later, another small breakthrough came when - after reading some books by Thich Nhat Hahn - I started practicing mindfulness while doing small everyday tasks such as the dishes, eating or walking. I realized that there was a lot of similarity between these brief moments of mindfulness and the more formal sitting meditation. That realization strengthened both my mindfulness and my meditation practice and it suddenly became easier to get into a calm state. On a very good day, I could slide into it within a few minutes.

I decided to write down my experiences because I though that they might be useful for other beginning meditators. Unfortunately I don’t have a page with answers for you. I have arrived at some answers for myself, but I don't even know if they would be the same for others. But I do believe now in the advice that was given to me earlier: “Don't worry - simply by trying, you are doing it right”.

August, 2006